Kid-free time - what would you do?

You wake up and you can’t hear a thing - screaming, moaning, crying or shouting. This is quite odd and very unnerving. You are alone in your bed and all is quiet. Where the hell is everyone?

Flit between feeling a bit worried, elated (due to seemingly having some personal space), and petrified that what appears to be some unplanned kid-free time is just an illusion and they’re all hiding under the bed and new-found snippet of freedom will be whipped away in seconds.

Tentatively I hang over the edge of the bed and peer under it. There is only dust (a lot), a dusty sock, and a cat, licking its bottom (must be dusty). Gorgeous.

I tentatively make my way to the sitting room, usually a site of devastation, crumbs, toys and noise. Nothing. It’s like being in a library, just a really messy one without any books.

I’ve dreamed about this moment of freedom so many times, but now it’s here I feel unsettled. Should I actually be worried about everyone? I check my phone. Ah, I should not. There’s a message from the other grown-up, phew. They’re all out together (he kindly also provides photographic evidence to substantiate his claim and reassure me that he hasn’t hidden one child somewhere in the house as a ‘surprise’). Good man.

This is a mixture of heaven and hell. I mean, I should be over the moon at the prospect of some ‘me time’ but two things; firstly, I don’t know how long he’s going to keep everyone away and if I ask he will a) think I’m checking up on him or b) even worse, think I’m missing everyone and assume I’m happy for everyone to come home immediately.

Secondly, what the hell do I do with this exquisite pocket of free time? If this had been planned free time I would have had a spreadsheet at the ready in order to get the most out of it. So many options, so little time. If my calculations are correct I have at least 30 minutes so I set about writing a list:

Things I need to do:

• Some exercise

• Shower (luxury version with hair wash and leg shave)

• Dress (time to select outfit rather than shove on usual uniform of jeans and black t-shirt)

• Clean teeth

• Have a cup of tea and drink it first time round

• Make toast and eat - let’s be honest this is a low priority so will have biscuit instead to free up time

• Put washing on - no point, that’s a day’s work in itself

• Empty dishwasher - other grown-up can do this as seems to enjoy it for some reason

• Take advantage of empty house and clean from top to bottom as is shit hole - no

Things I actually do:

• Consider showering etc. but quickly assess that I can get away with doing that when they return (as is a necessity and basic human right) therefore extending my free time by another half an hour

• No housework - I can’t bear the thought of starting it only to get ten-minutes into it and have to stop when they get back

• After much deliberating I finally decide to sit in the garden in my PJs with a cup of tea and write this blog post about waking up in empty house and how I want to spend my free time. Swear at computer every five seconds as browser hangs when typing blog

• Constantly look out of the window each time I hear a car to check if they are back

I would be eternally grateful to you lovely beings if you’d take the time to read and share the shit out of this post so it’s all been worthwhile, otherwise I might as well have gone down the shit, shower and shave route. Plus if the other grown-up reads this he might consider providing this service more often but give me prior notice so that I can plan the hell out of it.

Let me know (hypothetically speaking, of course) what you'd do with some kid-free time if you had some.