Not just another article about what changes when you have kids...

Your bundle of joy has arrived - hurrah! Or you have one, or some, bigger bundles already in existence - double hurrah! There are already plenty of brilliant blog posts out there that talk about all the things that change when you have kids (and let's face it there are a lot) but here are a few of my favourites.

The coffee cup holder

With any new arrival your caffeine intake will increase, without a doubt. Unless you're a saint. A coffee cup holder that attaches to your pram, in my humble opinion, is one of the most outstanding pieces of baby-related equipment you can buy. If you use it once you’ll never let it out of your sight again, I promise, even though you'll feel like everyone is looking at you (granted, you might look a bit of a wally). Every perky looking sleep-blessed person who passes you will (unsuccessfully) try to not to tut out loud when they have to walk in the road to get past you, because you're now classified as a wide load with your big new shiny holder attached. But who cares - you've only had three hours' sleep, so you're entitled to do whatever you can to perk yourself up.

Please note, doorways can sometimes be a bit of a struggle if they're on the narrow side, but the ability to be hands-free and enjoy a hot (yes hot!) coffee while your baby/toddler sleeps in the pram is too amazing.

Top tip: If you don't have a coffee cup holder, my advice is to get one ASAP. Once you get over the embarrassment I guarantee you'll become immune to the stares and tuts. Don't leave home without it!

Petrol consumption

You’ll gladly dedicate an entire tank of petrol to driving around just so you can keep the small people contained, quiet and/or asleep. The latter makes this a blissfully silent environment. Even better if you can get hold of a coffee for the journey.

Top tip: Drive around until they're completely zonked then find a parking space somewhere quiet and you might even get to read a magazine. Just make sure you keep the engine running - they won't wake up if you roll down the window and start up a petrol lawnmower right next to the car, but as soon as you switch that engine off their little peepers will spring open in a flash (likely to be followed by crying and/or screaming and an early end to your quiet time).

Soft play

This is now your best friend rather than your enemy, as long as it has good coffee and you feel pretty confident that the kids can’t escape. If these boxes are ticked you should be able to block out the horrendous noise levels and make it through. You might even get to relax for a bit (unless of course the kids are of that in-between age where you still have to go into the actual soft play with them, in which case I promise you you'll be an exhausted, sweaty mess by the end of it). You'll have to squeeze and contort your body through spaces smaller than a kitchen cabinet, so be prepared to ache later on.

On the plus side everyone else will also be exhausted sweaty messes, and your small people will be suitably pooped after a couple of hours so you might get some peace and quiet later. Plus you won't feel guilty letting them watch a film when you get home.

Top tip: Forget to bring your own socks, that way you won't be allowed to go on the soft play equipment (obviously only as long as your kids are able to go on themselves otherwise it'll be a bit of a pointless trip). And bring a book or magazine just in case you don't have to go on the soft play equipment. And ear plugs.

Sterilisation

You fight over whose turn it is to sterilise (the removing bacteria type of sterilising, not the eliminating a person's ability to produce small humans kind). You’ll go so far as shoving cash at each other, trading night feeds, and handing over your last bottle of alcohol.

Top tip: Stock up on alcohol. Also have a separate secret stash so you have some left to drink after bribing, you'll need it if you're going to be up fifteen times in the night.

Batteries

You'll buy more batteries in a month than you did in a year, pre-children. The good news?They will keep you sane because they'll help power anything that makes a really awful noise. The bad news. All toys for small people seem to require more power than a tumble dryer that's left running all day, so be prepared for them to need replacing after 24 hours.

Top tip: Never get caught short. Please believe me when I say you don't want to get to bed time and find the white noise toy is running low on juice (as you will be too at that point). You do not want to chance 'making it through the whole night' without it.

Holidays seem a lot longer

Woo hoo! More like boo hoo. Six weeks of holiday used to sound like heaven (if you could spend them lounging on a sandy beach, cocktail in one hand, romantic fiction clutched tightly in the other). But, those days are gone (or never were).

Before you brand me a bad mother for saying this, I have to point out that I obviously adore my children but as much as it's absolutely lovely to spend quality time with your little munchkins, there can be such as thing as living in each other's pockets (this happens after about two days from the start of the holiday, from my experience).

It's important to remember that you are a personal chef, on call 24 hours a day, seven days a week. During the holidays you'll be expected to come up with unique picnic options for each day or face criticism of your catering that's so harsh it would make even Gordon Ramsey tearful. And it's all expensive days out, jam-packed with activities that kids love and you do not.

Just to put things into perspective our most recent school summer holiday had nearly 30 week days spread over six weeks during which the small people required a minimum of six meals/snacks per day. There are only so many times you can rotate cheddar and cream cheese sandwiches before you're told it's just not good enough. Imagine how you'd feel doing a rubbish presentation about a rubbish product in front of the dragons in Dragon's Den and you'll get the gist of how soul destroying this feels.

Top tip: If you try to provide alternative menu suggestions these will be met with disdain as will your lack of imagination and inability to whip up exactly what's required (but not clearly communicated) at a moment's notice. It's a no-win situation, rectified only by a visit to MacDonald's (they do a mean coffee, so there's a light at the end of this tunnel).

Clothing and washing

You'll buy more clothes than you ever have before, but sadly none of them will be for you and they will last just weeks before needing bigger sizes. Your wardrobe, on the other hand, will remain the same for approximately six years but with an added splash of colour - the obligatory white sick patch on one shoulder of everything you own. Your other half will somehow manage to avoid this badge of honour completely. You will change your top at least once a day, sometimes bottoms too depending on your position when the sick arrives.

Ironing will be saved for very special outings only (these are called social events and occur only two to three times a year due to exhaustion and lack of childcare). And you'll have so many loads of washing to do that you'll forget (or no longer care) about separating your colours from your whites thus all your knickers will take on a blueish-grey colour. Hey, at least they'll all match and you'll be so tired you won't want to impress anyone with your fresh-looking undies anyway.

In contrast to the minuscule amount of time you'll spend ironing, 79% of your awake time will be spent washing and drying clothes for the whole family. You will empty one basket and congratulate yourself on managing to wash and dry it in one day, yet you find it completely full again the next day. It's just like magic because you cannot for the life of you figure out how it's remotely possible. Please note, you do now work at a launderette. The good news is you don't have to pay to use the machines but you do get told off for using the tumble dryer too often (something to do with the electricity bill), so you try to do that in secret when everyone's out.

Top tip: I have not one tip. Unfortunately you'll just have to ride this one out unless you have the budget of a Beckham or a billionaire.

Your bed - love it and hate it

You want to get back into your lovely bed the minute you get out of it, but you also dread getting into it knowing you will be woken as soon as you have dropped into a deliciously deep sleep (approximately every two to four hours on a good night).

Top tip: Try not to start thinking about anything when you do get up for the umpteenth time. This is dangerous territory as it's the only time things are quiet enough that you can even hear yourself think and it's very tempting to start making lists, or do the supermarket order, or see who else is up and about on social media, or clean the kitchen. I could go on.

Popping to the shops

It’s now an absolute treat to be able to pop out to the shops (alone). So much so you’ll do anything for the privilege.

If however you do fancy a trip to the shops with the kids (don't worry this will be approximately once in a blue moon due to it being a logistical and emotional nightmare), there's no better feeling than finding a free parent and baby space upon arrival. Job done. Or is it? Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but this is rarer than a full night's sleep with a new-born baby. The next best thing is to find one where your boot will be easily accessible (no more reverse parking into a space, because you need to wrestle your pram out) and make sure there’s enough space to open the door from which you'll need to extract your bundle/s.

Top tip: Remember to make a quick assessment on whether the people parked either side of you will return to their cars before you do and free up their space for someone who has no spatial awareness leaving you unable to get back in.

Always keep a notepad and pen in your car so you're equipped to write a friendly and not remotely aggressive note to anyone who only leaves a five-inch gap between your car and theirs, politely educating them on the fact you've had to squeeze yourself (after a rather hefty lunch) and your screaming child through said gap while paying careful attention not to scratch their exquisite paintwork. Congratulate yourself on doing them a favour because next time they might think twice about their parking etiquette. On second thoughts, just don't go shopping with anyone under the age of twelve.

Love actually hurts

Never before did you imagine such a small human being could make you simultaneously so angry and so absolutely and totally in love with them.

Be prepared to spend 49% of your time worrying about your little ones, 50% of your time feeling guilty about absolutely everything, and 1% of your time trying to remember things like your name or where you put the milk because it isn't in the fridge.

Top tip: Copious amounts of wine helps to ease the worry and guilt, and a white board is a life saver for jotting down things you need to remember.

TV

You start to eagerly anticipate new episodes of Peppa Pig and ponder what they will be about. You will love Peppa Pig because for five heavenly minutes your child will be completely absorbed in something other than you, or what's hiding in their (or even worse your) belly button. You will also not love Peppa Pig for her pompous, self-righteous attitude and begin to worry that her behaviour might wear off on your own child.

You're so tired you won't have the stamina to get through more than one episode of any adult TV series unless it only lasts for about five minutes per episode, hence Peppa then becomes an actual option.

Top tip: Ensure your child is safely contained and leave the room for the duration of the Peppa Pig episode. You can watch it later with a glass of wine. Or if you desperately want to find out about a new story line ask your child after they’ve watched it. Failing that (or their ability to adequately communicate the details) press the 'i' button for a summary.

Booze

Your wine or beer consumption trebles but you don’t feel guilty because you totally deserve it. Just accept that you cannot do this 'raising a kid' job without it and you'll feel a lot happier. Ensure you visit the bottle banks regularly otherwise neighbours (and the bin men) will notice if you let the bottles build up over a whole week and you put them all out for collection at once. This can get embarrassing unless you have like-minded neighbours in a similar situation to you.

Top tip: Don't waste time worrying about hangovers. You'll be so exhausted and feel so rubbish anyway you won't notice the difference with or without the wine so they become irrelevant.

Eat, sleep, work, repeat

You find yourself in an endless cycle of sleeping, eating, working, washing-up, washing clothes, tidying, feeding and changing.

Top tip: You won’t even have time to get bored by this, so just try and embrace it.

Cleaning

An interesting one. Basically there's no point in it. If you clean it will be messy and/or dirty in the time it takes you to walk out of the room, turn around and walk back in again.

But this won't stop you dreaming of having six uninterrupted hours in which you could clean your whole house from top to bottom. Getting to do this is now preferable to an all-expenses paid spa day and you'll feel more relaxed and invigorated as a result.

Feeding time (at the zoo)

Basically your food needs are bottom of the list, so you'll end up eating lots of things that can be grabbed on the go - all the healthy kinds of things like biscuits, cakes and crisps, which make you feel ever so much better when you've had approximately two hours' sleep in as many days.

Top tip: You're exhausted and you deserve it, so just do what you need to do to get through the day, sod the vegetables.

Free time

Don't panic. The likelihood of experiencing this is rarer than getting through a full day without uttering one swear word Under your breath. And anyway, you no longer have a clue how to spend any free time you might have apart from cleaning, washing, organising or working.

Longing for the days when you could enjoy a relaxing five minutes on your own in the loo, in your own time? It'll never happen now, at least not until your tiny one is twenty one! You'll need to find the right balance between waiting until you are desperate (so it happens quickly) but not so desperate that you don't make it, a bit like a toddler.

Top tip: There's an opportunity to have a few precious minutes to yourself if you venture out with another parent. Always travel with another adult who can look after the pram/toddler/child while you take a well-earned break in the loo. Even if you don't need the loo you can have a few minutes to yourself under the pretence of needing to go. They'll know exactly what you're doing but they really won't mind as long as you let them have a turn too.

Toilet talk

On the subject of toilets, if you have kids all they'll talk about is wees, poos, willies, boobies and sweets.

Top tip: Do not engage in a conversation with any pocket-sized potty mouths on this subject. It will be a never-ending one I can guarantee you. And whatever you do, try not to giggle, this just encourages them.

Remember to put on your best grown-ups-know-best face, tut, look mildly put out and repeat firmly: 'That's not clever or funny, I don't want to hear you use that word again'. Then quickly turn away before you hear one of them call you poo face under their breath. They CANNOT see you laugh at this - if you do you will lose the ability to keep any future poo-related conversations in check before they even happen.

And finally, a bit of 'me time'

Nope, don't worry about this one. You don't even need to think about it because IT WON'T HAPPEN. Joking. Kind of anyway. It's a new type of 'me time'. One that is snatched and may be anything between five minutes and 2.5 hours. The exciting thing is, you won't ever know how long it will be because you're not in charge of your 'me time', the small people and their sleep patterns are. That way you can't plan to do anything that takes longer than five minutes, just in case your services are required.

Having 'me time' will now equate to being able to wash up, do the food shop, or even clean the bathroom. Interestingly, although you've not been permitted to go for even a wee on your own since your first child could move around, not one of them will ever try to follow you in when you're actually cleaning the bathroom.

Top tip: Enter the bathroom under the pretence of cleaning it and you might actually be able to go to the loo on your own for once. But in general, forget about 'me time' and the cleaning for a few years and drink in every single precious moment with your small people, because it will pass by in a flash. Take a moment to congratulate yourself that you've actually made little humans this amazing and this beautiful (bloody good job, well done!) And most importantly, make sure you sniff them regularly, it is the nicest smell in the whole world (as long as they've had a bath fairly recently).